the rain

Let's listen to the rain together

Let's listen to the rain

We'll sit curled up under a blanket

And listen to the rain

For the window is open

It's warm outside

Come under this blanket

Don't need to cry

Let's listen to the rain

As it washes our sorrows away

Pip

It's weird, this feeling. There's nothing I've felt ever like it. Of course, I love Gordon, but it's in a completely different way. For him it's an attraction, a love for who he is, an acceptance of all his faults and greats, and a knowledge that he loves me the same. But with Pippin there's something deeper. It's as if my soul has found its purpose, like there's a piece of me that's detached from the main body of my essence, but not painfully. Instead it's just created another being, emerged and bloomed into another heartbeat. It's a wholesome, unfathomable love that I cannot begin to explain without saying that - "I'm a mum." For me that means everything now. For me, that is my whole existence. I matter. I have meaning. And that meaning is Pippin.

moving on

Tumbling

The world started

Crumbling

And I found myself

Stumbling

Into a void

Crying

I found myself

Dying

As I kept on 

Trying

To fix things

Breathing

I began

Wheezing

As my heart became

Freezing

To the touch

Falling

I felt my fists

Balling

As you were 

Calling 

Me those names

Accusing

I felt I was

Losing 

There was so much

Abusing

My wellbeing

Mistaking

I felt I was

Breaking

But instead I was

Awakening

Into a new world

Weeping

I looked down at him

Sleeping

And knew that I was

Keeping

This new life

Angry

My heart shatters

And I lie awake

Thinking of all the things that

Led to my mistake

I can't sleep and

I can't rest

My head is filled with do many

Unwanted pests

Your words fill me

Like cold and scorn

They make me feel like

I'm old and worn

Like I deserve the

Thoughts that you

Accidentally or intentionally

Put me through

It's strange it was

My words that harmed

And now your words are

Carrying alarm

I'm finding it hard

To defend you still

As my friends all consider you

Not fitting the bill

The bill of a friend

Good, right, true

Instead you have proven that

You make me blue

I've shed tears here

Just for you

But you probably don't care

Would tell me no.

No that crying

Is just manipulation

That I would be doing it

To get compensation

Forgive me please

But this is why I'm so

Frustrated, irritated, overwhelmed

And I'm ready to blow.

Truth Relative

Hearts break

Souls shake

I made 

A mistake

Can't you see

All that we 

Have made

Together

You said that

I said this

You got mad

Mightily pissed

My truth hides

As yours hits

Perspective 

A game of wits

Liar liar

Was I called

When truth I gave

Unresolved

Sorrow and tears

Terror, scare

You said things

That I can't bear

But because I remember this

And you remember that

And truths relative be

Hearts broke

Anger awoke

And listening

Is a dream 

nude

Naked
I stand here
Bare for you to stare at
Holding my head high
As you judge my form
Your eyes are scrutiny
Taking in my limbs
My face
My torso and curves
We you have thousands of others
Like me from
Country to country
Age to age
Because it took time to gain
All we have now
My breasts are held
For your eyes to glare at
My womanhood exposed

31st January 2020

When it feels like the end of an era

When it feels like trust has been betrayed

When it feels like nothing will be the same again

As we separate, as we loosen ties, against our will

No written constitution to speak of

This country is made of many parts

But numbers count, numbers win, they say

"The will of the British people."

But how much will can you really see

North of the border we're angry

North of the border we wanted no change

But north of the border are so few

Voices are hardly heard

With a government divided and sorrowful

With devolved parliaments shedding tears

With a joy that only old men celebrate

This is a new era indeed

Pippin

There's nothing else

There's no one else

For whom I would give up the world

There's nothing else

There's no one else

For whom I would go as far as I can

For you, my darling, are my heart's desire

You are my whole being

My purpose, my joy

The reason my heart beats every day

The reason I wake with a smile

I carry on in this weary would because of you

Because you bring meaning to my life

You and I

We share a connection

That can never be broken

There's nothing else

There's no one else

Whom I would happily break my heart for

Goodbye

You were the

Delight of my life when

I had no husband or son

You were the

Creature who kept me sane when

The world seemed to be falling apart

I bought you

Five years ago

Walking into the pet store and you have me those eyes

Chose me yourself

Said, "you are mine."

And how true that was

For you were not of the world

The world was of you

Proud, regal, beautiful, strong

You were the Queen of the household

My first darling

The love of my life

She who I got for

Selfish reasons because I 

Needed to hold onto something in my darkest times

And now you lie there

Under the towel

Cold, still, gone

No longer suffering

No longer haunted

No longer struggling

You are at peace

And me and the boys will miss you, Mithy

Goodbye

Agape

I am so

In love

As I look down at your sleeping form

Nestled beneath my breast

Unlatched after a long feed

Of the milk my body creates just for you

I know that

This was not a mistake

This was not wrong

This was the perfect

The right thing

The needed thing

The 

The love that I bare for you is

Entirely unfathomable

I feel now that I understand more

The unconquerable, undeserved love that God has for us humans

Even though we destroy and tear his gift, the world, apart

Still there is love

Unrequited love

And with you in my arms

I am beginning to understand that love

Just a little more

Scar

Am I 

Less of a woman? 

I look down at my body and see

The lumpy flabby small stretch of flesh that

Just a few days ago was taught and large

Like a beachball people said

My navel back in place

And no trace left of the

Small bump they said would slowly deflate

Just this fold of flab that was inflated so

And beneath that

A scar

Four inches long

Healed in the fastest time that defies logic

A scar

That sits between my navel and crotch

That few people will see

But will define me forever

A scar

That was cut so you could breathe your first breath

So that you could come gasping into the world

Small mouth gulping 

Crying as I was told 

That you were 'he' and not 'she'

A scar. 

Unplanned is the preferred term

Instead of emergency

In half an hour my labour changed from pain to bliss

As my agonising pains became paralysis

As you took your first cry and breath

As your father held you, tears streaming down his face 

Relief after the potential loss of you and me

This is my reality now

A scar 

That defines me 

That challenges me

To think what the terms 'giving birth,' 'delivering,' and 'labour' mean

Even the term 'woman' 

Am I less of one now? 

Are these tears ones of joy or

Ones of sorrow? 

But I look at your face

Your uncompromising, beautiful face

That mop of fuzzy fair hair

And deepest darkest blue eyes like an ocean

This is my reality

You are my reality

And my world

And though our meeting was unplanned

Though you stubbornly remained in that warm, dark space of the womb 

I know for certain

You are worth a thousand scars 

The mother

The mother is twenty seven years old.

She lies in a fairly uncomfortable bed in southside Glasgow, facing the bright lights of a midnight metropolis. A series in two parallel lines pointing to the sky paint a picture of a Thatcher era skyscraper. They are white, pure white like the sun on a warm spring's day. Yet this is not spring. Nor is summer. Instead it is the dead of autumn, with leaves steadily falling across the view like droplets of rain.

In her belly is a human. A human who is very reluctant to leave the safe, warm environment into which she was grown. After all, who would want to leave their mother's womb? Who would optionally vacate such a practical place where one is fed, watered and cared for every day? The world is a dangerous and scary place. It is better ones remains inside where it is protected, secure and one needs not care about the problems facing the future.

The mother, however, is not fond of this arrangement. Her belly is large, a girdle as big as any woman's, a weight far more than she has ever known. It has been forty two weeks and this partnership has gone on enough, in this way at the very least. She longs for the small infant human to be out, to agree that they should embark on the next phase of their relationship. Exhaustion, tiredness and emotional distress plague the mother and she longs for only relief and release as her joints begin to ache from all the suffering. But she cannot sleep in her own bed. She cannot curl up with her own husband and pillow. She cannot howl for the moon in her own home, stuffing her face with her own homemade cupcakes.

Why? Because her parasite is stubborn. Because her baby is unwilling. They are unhappy to be removed and have decided that to be born would be a mistake. And thus, the mother is in agony. She feels incredible sorrow. Tears flow down her face as she takes yet another breath and fears she will not be able to sleep.

Time is of the essence. Hours come and go, the second hand ticking by counting towards the next treatment. The next examination. The next midwife. Agonising hours. Hurtful hours. So long, yet so little time.

The baby stays where they are, not budging, refusing. The mother cries.

She is twenty seven years old and has never been more in pain.

Things I look forward to when no longer pregnant

Number one: shave my legs. There's nothing more awkward than having to position your foot against the side of the bath whilst your tired arm strains past the immoveable lump that is in place of your belly.
Number two: eat normally. There's something strange about the fact that I am now using up twice the amount of energy as I usually would, yet my stomach is shrunk to half in size because someone is growing within. Snacking is the way to go. No more meals - just sandwiches. All. The. Time.
Number three: being able to walk again. If waddling was an Olympic sport I'd get first prize. Maybe even be a world champion. All over the world people would chant for their favourite soon-to-be mothers as they move like penguins down a track. Points are given for enthusiasm and lack of grace.
Number four: not running out of energy. Of course, when the baby actually comes I'll be exactly the same. Just not out of energy because I'm making the thing but because she or he or they constantly need my support and attention.
Number five: being able to put my own shoes and socks on. See number one for specific issues regarding bump.

Decency

I didn't ask for glory
I didn't ask for fame
I didn't ask for wealth or lands
It was just the decent thing to do
She didn't tell me who to blame
She didn't begin to complain
She just asked and explained and I gave
It was the decent thing to do
The man who cried did not shout
He did not hit me or sue
He just took my comfort as goodwill it was
It was the decent thing to do
The little girl who was lost
Took my hand and we went looking
Her mother was overjoyed and thanked me
I said it was the decent thing to do
Yet still others saw what I did
They photographed and posted and said
That I was a enabler, a harasser, a paedophile
That it was not the decent thing to do

Darling

When at night
When I can't sleep
Because his snoring
Or your movements are
Keeping me awake
I know then that I
Cannot wait to meet you
When I feel your little heartbeat below mine
When I see your hand press against my skin
When I feel you dance in time to music that will soon be heard through not a line of flesh but through your true ears
I know then that
I love you
That I cannot wait to hold you
That you are already my precious darling
And will always be.

Me

I am but a shadow
I drift in the wind
On the ether of this earth
I am but a notion
A wordless old saying
Which
Makes old men laugh with memory
I am but a distant thought
Made to be the concerns of
Not many
I am just a shadow
I am just a notion
I am
Me

Love Is - Carys and Shaun

Love is
Not easy
Love is often
The hardest mountain to climb
We speak of Everests
This is a Mariana Trench
Where only three people have ever physically been
Love is
A challenge
Daily causing to question
Is this the right thing?
Are they the right person?
Am I living the life I want to?
That I am meant to?
That I should?
Love is
Demanding
Formidable
Unyielding and -
Yet love is
The greatest of all prizes
It is 
All the diamonds in the multilayered technicolour multiverse
It is
Every living creature beneath the great azure sky which stretches from farthest east to greatest west
It is
Worth all the air you will ever breathe
Because love is air itself
Love comes and says
You are precious
It comes and says
You are wanted
Love tells you
You are living a good life
And no matter what you do
Where you go
Who you see
You will always be worthy
To love's other eyes
For love comes not in praise and glory
But love comes
Quiet and alone
Found in the most unusual of places
Love
Is not easy to find sometimes
Nor is it often
Wanted
But love is just and
Love is fair
Patient
Kind
And when love exists between
Two people
It can make
Miracles

Future you

My future darling
I cannot say how much I am looking forward to meeting you.
This week you started moving
I could feel your rhythm as you squirmed and kicked your way inside my belly
You are
Thoroughly already a pain
Causing discomfort, stress and agnst
Yet
I love you already
Only twenty weeks old and already
You show
The delights of life
On this day as I read the harshest laws
That Alabama placed for those who
Have a miscarriage or need an abortion beyond six weeks
I think about how lucky we are
Living in this
The most beautiful land
Though we are but fools
I am determined that this world, this country
Will be the one you deserve to be raised in
You are the apple of my eye my darling
And I delight in thinking of
The day we meet

Thirty-seven steps

I'm thirty-seven steps from the queen
And by that fact I don't mean
That I'm next in line for throne
That I would never want it at all
Instead I'll leave to her - the queen

I'm thirty-seven steps from the queen
Through marriage and genealogy you see
Someone back in my father's past
Married a German princess
and made their own line - the queen

I'm thirty-seven steps from the queen
Although it may sound obscene
We're completely different lines
And there's no way I'll ever dine
On caviar and champagne with the queen

I'm thirty-seven steps from the queen
However romantic that seems
People ask why I'm a royalist
I say, I'm not, just a nationalist
As in Scottish, because she Scottish - the queen

I'm thirty-seven steps from the queen
But I'm not going to turn green
Envy is not something I have for her life
With all the publicity, all the strife
I'd never want to be her - the queen

I'm thirty-seven steps from the queen
And I respect the elderly woman so keen
With eyes like daggers and a heart of steel
If Donald Trump was British - he'd kneel
That is what makes our queen.

I'm thirty-seven steps from the queen
She's bold, she's old, sweet and mean
Though the monarchy is a little outdated
And they get our money while their estated
I'll always respect the small woman in hats - the queen

Mother Earth

I'm in agony
My child, my dear, my bairn
I'm in agony, can't you hear my screams?
They started off small, mere tremblings, and then
Grew as the pain increased.
Sweat is breaking forth upon my crown
And it's rising in my underneath too

The natural cold chill there - it's abating my dear
As the perspiration beads like stupendous dew
My heart though still beats steadily,
and my veins flow thick as they ought
But my skin pricks
Flowing with dirt and grime
And the trillion small particles
You recklessly make from ancient creatures and then
Dispose of

The creatures who lived and still live on my surface, my dear,
The bairns, my children just like you,
Are not slowly, but quickly, dying, child
And I don't know what to do

I continue to scream in agony
I continue to try to get your attention
As you kill me with your smoke, your poison and your craft
Those things that you leave around my person, my room,
Those broken toys that ultimately I made, that you stole from my flesh to power your empires

I called out to you louder and louder through the ages, child
I made mountains tremble and seas rise
Now I'm screaming through the fire, yelling through the wind and earth
As you continue to kill
Continue to wipe out my children
Who are your children too

You're poisoning me my dearest one
My most precious and ingenious creation,
In deepest Africa I gave you life
And then you rose like a new hope
And you moved across my skin, sailing my many seas.
As the heat rose and I sweated, giving you tides, you sailed with me, taking my natural cycles of warmth and chill as wrote.

When I froze you still loved me
When I warmed again for you
You still cared
Then why is it, darling, that now I am calling for you the loudest ever
That you ignore me
And strike me, again and again
I'm in agony my dear, I'm dying
And this time, it's all your doing