Knowing

You see the thing is I know who I am.
I know where I am going -- at least today-- I know who I am meeting, what I am skiing roughly what time I will be eating, picking up, going home.
I am like a fairy. I'm a flitterer and I rest. Then I get up again. I am me.
I know things. But basic things.
Is that so wrong?

Hello.

Sequel to "Goodbye."

There was a time not so long ago when I could have conquered the world.
Or, at least, that is what it felt like.
If someone had placed a sword in my hand I believe I could have smite a dragon.
If someone had given me the time and money I believe I could have saved the princess.
If someone had placed within me their undying trust then I believe I could have come home, victorious, on the back of a white steed and married her, in the end. That girl, that princess.
But no longer.
Now the worst day of my life is over and I look into the future.
The sun dawns, I watch it dawn.
And I bow to it and say "hello".
Yesterday the me who was a boy, young and breaking hearts wherever he went, died.
Today a man awoke.
And he bows, and says, "hello".
Later on today I might ascend my horse. He is not white, but rather sorrel, and has a lurching gait. But I might ride over hill and valley, facing the wind and closing my eyes and trying to let all the worries of the world pass.
But I cannot.
I still think. Of you. And how I ruined your world. Ruined your life.
And for that I can never forgive myself.
I am me. You are you. And we will never be.
I could spend years writing an apology, but that will not work. Instead I will remember that it was me who broke your heart, it was me who let you go. And I will turn from this place and face the sun and say "hello".
I will say "hello" future, "hello" world. I will try to forget the one I was in love with, even though you were not her and try to rebuild everything.
Piece by crumbling piece.
I will fail.
Then face the sun again, and say "hello".

Goodbye.

I hope one day you can forgive me.
I did this for the sake of us. Not "us" in sense of you and I, or her and I, but "us" in the sense of us all, as individuals.
I hope one day, in the future, you can forgive me.
Maybe, in the next few days, I will be broken and blue.
Maybe, in the next few days, I will have only half my teeth.
Maybe, in the next few days, I will lose an eye.
But after these next few days the world will spin again and you will move on.
Without me.
And I can stare through the frosted glass of your living room window, thinking about the woman I have left at home, the one I was forced to marry at the age of sixteen, the foreign heiress who only wants my title and my family, her money.
And I will see you, with another man, happy, and I will think about how perhaps I made it so.
And you will have a daughter, and you will have a son, and you will have a happy family.
A happy home.
You will have love.
You will have found love.
As I believed I did. As I believe I still may have.
And then I left it dead in the snow as you began to steal my heart, piece by piece.
But I never told you so. Instead, I let you go, and you went.
And now I will let her go.
Let you both go.
As I melt into the snow.
Its over now, the dance of the heartbreak is done.
I will see you in the netherworld.
Allehrayne,
Goodbye.

Reply to her Obituary

Zoltan to Marime about Eira

I miss you so much
I'd rather I'd never had
A heart at all
But then
What would be gained?
How could I have
Survived at all?
He says, "Love is weakness"
I say, "It is strength"
So my sweet, do not hate me
As I learn to love
Somebody else.

Broken Burns

From James to Cecily.

I wouldn't mind
If you wanted to burn me again.
I wouldn't mind
If you wanted to make it rain
In my heart
Where it began
If you wanted, there,
To make it snow.

Take it all, take it all,
Take my heart and take my soul.

I wouldn't care
If you wanted it to be me dead.
I wouldn't care
If you wanted me to never have been instead.
To give me pain,
For your own gain,
Abusing me, hitting me
Again and again and again.

Take it all, take it all,
Take my heart and take my soul.

It is all yours anyway.

Dancing On Vocal Chords

Let it be known
that I am here but not here
I am there but not there
I am a star but not shining
Let it be known.
Over sea and over sky
let them dance in the never-ending sky
let them say my name with reverence
and shout
"she is here but not here
she is there but not there
she is a star but not shining"
Let them sing
that your voice is astounding
tilt your mouth to the heavens and shout
let your vocal chords flout
the fact you have a voice.
Let them sing.
That you are here but not here
that you are there but not there
that you are a star
and you are shining
brighter than any other

Man and Woman

There was a man in the mirror
His eyes were made of amber
His teeth were made of gold
And on his fingers - glinting
Shone countless silver rings

There was a woman beside him
Her hair was black like jet
She had a pearl in her ear
And not a soul could be - hoping
To be like her in any way

They rode across the fields by night
On two fine grey palfry steeds
And glancing at one another
They nodded, danced - then kissed
And continued their way, prancing